Senior Security

I missed the memo about bringing a handbag into a concert.

Probably during the last 10 years when I was busy getting old and didn’t go to any concerts.  Also during that time I’ve been perfecting my handbag collection.

So the handbag I laid down on the table for the security guard to inspect was carefully chosen to coordinate with my outfit.

I held out my arms so he and his security guard wand could determine that, indeed, this 66-year-old woman wasn’t carrying any weaponry into an 80’s music concert.

But as he inspected the contents of my bag, he started shaking his head and said:

All the stuff I need to feel secure in a crowd were contained in my carefully coordinated bag.

“It’s too big”.

Me: “What?”  

“No backpacks allowed or bags more than 6” wide. Or it has to be transparent.”

“But you just looked at all of the contents?”

He shook his head, though I sensed his heart wasn’t in it.  I mean I could be his mother, or maybe even his grandmother. He offered that some people remove their belongings and stash their bag in the bushes to be retrieved later.

Leave my precious bag in the bushes??? For someone else to steal? This is the exact opposite of how I’ve always thought of “security”.

And obviously, security didn’t recognize the importance of my handbag as a color-coordinated-component of my outfit.

Evidently, I’ve been oblivious as to how security standards have evolved to protect the public from the things I carry in my handbag:

·       My anti-anxiety meds: In case I start worrying about the things on my lists of worry topics

·       A small vial of Bergamot for smelling during a panic attack caused by being in a large concert crowd.

·       Tylenol & Advil for the headache loud music is likely to cause

·       A brand new unopened package of antibacterial wipes, in case either of us must frequent the filthy public restroom.

·       A spare splash pad, should a laugh, cough, or sudden burst of excitement cause an unintended leak.

·       Several extra lipsticks in case I decide to change colors when the light, or my mood, changes

·       Exactly 3 unused and folded tissues.

I’m pretty sure no one could materialize any form of weapon from the contents of my bag. So, once inspected, what exactly is the issue?

And how ridiculous that all along, I actually thought security was evolving to protect us from snipers who assemble long range semi-automatic rifles to shoot into concert crowds, or bombs, or deranged, dangerous people carrying any manner of weapons into schools.

Instead, they’ve become hyper focused on senior women whose perfectly matched handbags carry the small things that help us feel comfortable in a world that feels increasingly scary.

IMHO this may be a case of choosing exactly the wrong thing to focus on –and maybe because senior women are an easy target to pick on.

Come on: Most of us mature women: mothers, aunties, and grandmothers; are for the most part life-long rule-followers who are unlikely attending a concert of, and let's be honest here, out-of-date music performed by musicians who may have passed their performance prime long ago -- with the intent of harming anyone. Seriously.

We're not even likely to part with a ridiculous $24 for a plastic cup of wine when we have entire boxes of wine in the fridge at home for half that price.

So why is security out to make us feel less secure, without our personal handbags and their comforting contents?

I stepped back and let a group of ladies of a certain age step up, one with a nice Lily Pulitzer bag which matched her jacket, both of which I admired. She too was informed that her bag was “too big”.

She began initiating an origami-like folding sequence, attempting to force part of it to disappear into itself. I watched as the security guard ultimately, quietly let the group of ladies pass through.

I re-approached him, with my previously inspected bag tucked under my coat, and with pleading eyes. He looked kind of sad and said “Just go. But next time you know”.

I don’t think there will be a next time. I had to watch the entire concert through the cell phone of the young woman sitting in front of me, because her outstretched arms were holding it up directly in my view recording everything –as she brazenly stole the content of the entire show.

Because these days, apparently that form of thievery is just fine with security.