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potty talk

File this one under "You Better Know the Answer Before You Ask the Question"

I would like to have a plumber on retainer. Because when you need one, it’s usually not an “elective” operation.

I literally screamed when I opened the lid of the toilet and first saw it.

“Holy Balls of Wadded TP Batman!” Who attempted to shove a BOWLING BALL sized wad of TP down the toilet?”


So it came to be that the enormous blockage of toilet paper which had sucked up ALL the water from the toilet (and likely from a good share of the Great Lakes), and now sat at the bottom of the toilet, was the last straw for our old blue toilet.

Fine, let’s go to Home Depot and solve this problem, taking my son, Toilet Villain Suspect #1, with me.

Aside: His potty aggressions date back to summer camp years ago where he refused to go for A SOLID WEEK because the camp facilities were not to his liking. He brought it all home to be dealt with by ol’ blue. Along with a week’s worth of dirty laundry.

Not being a regular, I was surprised by the many opportunities the store's Toilet Aisle provides to consider your business and the making of it. Trying out the facilities did not seem to be an option, however.

The feature “Flushes a Basket of Golf Balls” did not impress either of us and I pressed on in search of “Flushes Bowling Balls.”

Deciding on an “Elongated Bowl”- which seemed oh so much more elegant -I placed our order.

Nothing noteworthy passed, figuratively speaking, on Installation day, outside of spying the frighteningly real view of the hole in the floor on which the toilet sits.

However, the next days presented a growing concern, as I realized the full impact of the new bowl:

It is taller than the old one. And so, poised upon the elongated seat, my legs do not actually make complete contact with the ground. This caused a certain lack of performance, for which I blame the Too-Tall-For-Real-Business bowl.

Annoyed at this more-than-micro-aggression of the new bowl, I called Home Depot.

Indeed. The standard height of toilets has been raised from 15” to 17 -19”, a new “comfort height” for easier on/off.

As far as I know this has been a well-guarded secret because I never heard about this new toilet development. Also, no other improvement to the original design has been deemed necessary in the last 6000 years.

Apparently for the past several years “comfort height” had been making a big splash in toilet circles.

And so once again, as the saying goes, "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished." Buy a new toilet, end up stopped up.

I sit and count my blessing for having another option in our house, since the fashionable new toilet will not be, at least for me, where any real business takes place.


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